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Funny Status Updates of the Day:

• Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average. (Courtesy of our 4.5-star Rated Funny Status Updates iPhone/iPod App)
• I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
• We’re gonna break the Facebook on Mother’s Day with Your Mom jokes, aren’t we?
• The subject line starts “Fwd: Re: Fwd: RE: RE: Re: “, so there’s no way this isn’t a complete waste of time.
• A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
• I just spent several seconds trying unsuccessfully to delete a comma. Turns out somebody sneezed it onto the computer screen.
• I hope we’re past the point in naval technology where loose lips still have the potential to sink ships.
• I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car’s horn to sound like gunfire. ツ (Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page)
• BBC News: Man is killed by wave. Jeeez, how big was the other guy’s hand!?
• “Son of a bitch, what are you doing? I just brought you that.” (most dogs during fetch)
• When writing a resume, it’s much more valuable to say you are an expert at “replicate and re-purpose functionality” than “copy and paste.”
• The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
• Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
• That awkward moment when you start telling a story & you realize no one’s listening, so you slowly fade out & pretend you never said anything.
• The greatest trick Skynet ever pulled was convincing the world it didn’t change its name to Google.
• People like to put words in your mouth, predictive-text likes to put words in your phone.
• Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? (VIA our Tweeter:@FreeFunnyStuff )

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