Funny Facebook Status Updates:

• Thank goodness pets can’t talk, they all know too much. (From our amazingly funny: ★★★★★ iPhone App ★★★★★)
• There are really only two seasons… allergy and flu.
• When I say ” It’s a long story” It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
• I hate change. I didn’t used to. But I’ve changed.
• Facebook is a procrastinator’s best frenemy.
• If you watch Titanic backwards, It is a heart warming tale of a ship which jumps out of the water & saves lots of drowning people.
• Do it tomorrow. You’ve made enough mistakes for today.
• The awkward moment when you’re eating dinner at someone else’s house and you don’t like the food, but you have to pretend to like it.  (150+Likes in 9 minutes – Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page)
• I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, 5% Friday!
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12345678987654321 MIND= BLOWN!
• That update doesn’t really seem to make any difference, Adobe.
• All is not lost. It’s just a little bit hard to keep track of.
• If your dog thinks you’re the greatest person in the world, don’t seek a second opinion.
• Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
• That scary moment where your being tickled & It hits that point where u actually start getting afraid that you’ll somehow die from the torture.
• I love a good meal. So I don’t cook.
• I’ll play fair if I get to make up the rules.  (VIA Twitter: @FreeFunnyStuff )
• Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal.

11,001+ Funny Status Updates…

Office Boredom taken to a whole new level…

Ask your Facebook friends if they’ve ever been that bored @work or school and listen to their stories :)

Ladies & Gentlemen I give you the NoNoNo Cat:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Post that on your FB Wall to get tons of LIKEs and comments!

Top Daily Status Updates for Facebook:

• It has never stopped surprising me how exhausting it is to do nothing all day. (From our ridiculously funny: ★★★★★ iPhone App ★★★★★)
• PSA: You may “love” your boyfriend, But we’d all appreciate it if you didn’t post it on Facebook every thirty seconds, thanks.
• I unliked your status update you and your friends won’t shut the heck up!!
• You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
• I always know the right thing to say, after the right time to say it has passed.
• When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time. (125+Likes in 7 minutes – Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page)
• Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot..
• I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I was going, Officer.
• Save as: fjhdsk … The file fjhdsk already exists … fjhdsk 2.
• You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
• I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener.
• The bee: Nature’s very own suicide bomber…
• I understand good things come to those who wait. Might I enquire, how long is the line?
• They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.
• I liked you when we first met but, since then, you’ve talked me out of it.
• The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what’s the matter. He just has to know.
• I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.   (VIA Twitter:@FreeFunnyStuff)
• Don’t believe everything you think.

11,001+ Funny Status Updates…

PUMA T-shirt IRL:

Is that life imitating art? We don’t know, but, whatever it is, it’s funny as hell and will get you a ton of interesting comments.

Best Reality Show Exit ever?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now that is what I call an exit! Post that on your wall for some classy comments & LIKEs.

Funny Status Updates for Facebook:

• Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends. (From our Funny Status Updates iPhone App ★★★★★)
• Hard work never hurt anybody. But I’m hoping the boss will be first.
• My wife and I had words but I never got to use mine.
• Being paranoid means never having to think that you’re alone.
• Me and my bestfriend can communicate just with face expressions.
• “You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can`t you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”
• I know the exact day I gave up exercise. It’s on my birth certificate.
• My car has heated seats. That is if the sun beats through the window just right.
• They say couples should never go to bed angry. That’s why married people always look so tired. (97+Likes in 6minutes – Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page)
• People always say to expect the unexpected. So if you expect the unexpected then the unexpected becomes the expected. So really your just expecting the expected.
• I’m so honest, I can’t even steal a glance.
• The reason I’m single? She wouldn’t marry me when I was drinking and I wouldn’t marry her when I was sober.
• Google must be a woman, it knows everything.
• I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself, “Wow dogs are easily entertained…” Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes…
• People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
• I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
• If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.
• Battery low please charge! 1% █ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅]  (VIA Twitter:@FreeFunnyStuff)
• Take your troubles like a man. Blame them on your wife.

Ohhhh Hey There…

Look at those EARS! Ah-mah-ZING :) Post that Sand Cat Kitten on your FB wall to get some LIKEs and comments!

Dog grabs a beer…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Bonus Awesome Video: Bizarre Digital Clock

Want more funny status updates, awesome pictures, and epic videos? “Like” our FB Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App. Visit our awesome Funny Status section for thousands of Facebook statuses to choose from!

Funny Status Updates:

• Choose your Facebook profile pic carefully. It’ll be the one they use when you go missing. (From our Funny Status Updates iPhone App ★★★★★)
• They really need to add a “download this song illegally” button on Pandora.
• Sometimes, I don’t text you first because I don’t want to feel like I’m annoying you.
• Mad Libs inventor died yesterday of POOPING. He is survived by his PIZZA CHEESE and his LAWN DARTS. He will be A DINOSAUR.
• Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
• True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled. (Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page)
• I get a lot of mental exercise by thinking up exotic ways to avoid physical exercise.
• Facebook REALLY needs a ‘No one cares’ button..
• If you would ever like to know what each and every one of your faults are, try criticizing the wife sometime.
• To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?
• I’m searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool… to poke a Hontas.
• I have trouble even monotasking.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (VIA:@FreeFunnyStuff)
• How can we know atheism exists? Where’s the evidence?

Yesterdays Funny Status Updates…

Did you know… Our Funny Status Updates also make fine TWEETS or Text Messages? Ya, they totally do!

Puppy Planking:

So cute! That picture is a guaranteed comment magnet!

Greatest Putt-Putt shot of all time…..OF ALL TIME

Click here to view the embedded video.

Bonus Video: Harry Potter Quidditch IRL?

Need more funny statuses, awesome pictures, and epic videos? “Like” our FB Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App. Visit our *NEW* Funny Status section for thousands of Facebook statuses to choose from! We’ll see you on MONDAY for more Funny Statuses!!!

Funny Status Updates for the Weekend:

• The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat. (Courtesy of our Funny Status Updates iPhone App ★★★★★)
• A married man should forget his mistakes; There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
• Alex, I’ll take ‘Things Only I Know’ for $200
• Vegetarians and vegans spend entirely too much time trying to make vegetables taste like meat. You made your choice, now live with it hippie!
• Bed and Breakfast: two things the kids will never make for themselves.
• When I grow up, I want to spend 1/3 of my life sleeping, 1/3 staring at a computer in a tiny cubicle and 1/3 hating myself. (realistic kid)
• Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver. ツ (Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page)
• Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
• Eat and drink with your relatives; do business with strangers.
• Don’t believe everything you think.
• I love watching two girls meet each other. It’s easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.
• Dijon vu: the feeling you’ve had this mustard before.
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor’s cute then forget the fruit!
• I have the same body I’ve always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course… (VIA:@FreeFunnyStuff )
• Gambling is an excellent way of getting nothing for something.

Relationship Status: We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong reason. But one thing is sure, mistakes help us to find the right person!

Monkey Riding Dog:

Post that on your Facebook Wall and watch the comments & likes pour in.

Cutest Kitten Ever:

Click here to view the embedded video.

How freaking adorable! Your Facebook friends will absolutely melt when you post that one.

Have a wonderful weekend and please join us Monday for more hilarious content. If you still need more funny status updates, pics, and videos to post:  “Like” our FB Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App and visit our new sister website WittyStatus where you can submit statuses and vote on them!