Funny Status Updates for Facebook. Hilarious Comedic Witty Status Updates about Life, Love, and everything in-between.

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Think before you speak... and keep it simple. Nobody wants to hear your life story.

Life Status Updates

03/13/2013

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

Food Status Updates

02/02/2013

The girl at the pharmacy asked if I wanted to "hang out and wait for my prescription" I'm like calm down we JUST met! Jeez, some people.

Misc. Status Updates

11/26/2012

I wish the dollar store sold gas.

Financial Status Updates

11/07/2012

Never sure if it's a roof rack or a cop car.

Silly Status Updates

11/05/2012

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see him too?”

Food Status Updates

10/30/2012

Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It's now a Walmart.

Facebook Status Updates

10/07/2012

Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.

Life Status Updates

09/23/2012

If Apple made a car, would it have windows?

Computer Status Updates

09/23/2012

The problem with the world today is that the smart people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

Silly Status Updates

09/22/2012

10,000 people are having sex right now. 20,000 people are kissing. And you, well, you're reading this status.

Sex Status Updates

08/30/2012

The Worst Feeling: Seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you.

Misc. Status Updates

08/23/2012

I'm interested to know what I've agreed to over the years by just nodding along when I couldn't hear someone.

Life Status Updates

08/22/2012

Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.

Misc. Status Updates

08/20/2012

I've hired a woman named Helen Wate to deal with all complaints. If you have a complaint… Go to HELEN WATE!

Work Status Updates

08/15/2012

I hate when people don't understand my sarcasm. They ruin everything.

Misc. Status Updates

08/02/2012

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

Misc. Status Updates

07/16/2012

Without that little voice in your head, you wouldn't be able to read this.

Silly Status Updates

07/13/2012

People don't change, they just become a clearer version of who they really are.

Relationship Status Updates

07/09/2012

Kill your haters with kindness.Gift wrap explosives.

Silly Status Updates

07/08/2012

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