Funny Status Updates for Facebook. Hilarious Comedic Witty Status Updates about Life, Love, and everything in-between.

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Some people are about as useful as the first "r" in February.

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12/25/2012

I hate when cashiers ask "Is that everything?" Uh no, I'd also like all this invisible stuff...

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12/20/2012

They should make a matchmaking site for single socks.

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12/18/2012

When someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

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12/18/2012

I wake up from my nap planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one" and we laugh and laugh and fall back asleep.

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12/18/2012

Santa is so jolly cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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12/18/2012

Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it's none of my damn business.

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12/16/2012

Santa, for 2013 all I want is a fat bank account, and a skinny body. Lets try not to mix up the two like you did last year, ok.

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12/13/2012

This Christmas, I've decided to put mistletoe in my back pocket...so all the people I don't like can kiss my butt.

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12/12/2012

The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.

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12/12/2012

That one friend that can make anything funny just by the way they talk.

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12/10/2012

Have you ever looked at someone and thought "Yep, you have a person locked in your basement."

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12/09/2012

Whoever said "Nothing is Impossible" is obviously never tried to staple water to a tree.

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12/03/2012

If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries.

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12/03/2012

I have to assume these next four weeks are incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.

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12/02/2012

I wish sidewalks were trampolines.

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11/29/2012

The first person you think of in the morning or last person you think of in the night is either the cause of your happiness or your pain.

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11/28/2012

All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer.

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11/27/2012

I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

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11/25/2012

I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.

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11/22/2012

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