Funny Status Updates for Facebook. Hilarious Comedic Witty Status Updates about Life, Love, and everything in-between.

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Look, lying on my bed all day isn't being lazy. I'm just waiting. And you know what they say "Good things come to those who wait".

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02/03/2013

The lesbians next door to me ask me what i want for my birthday.....i think they misunderstood me when i said i wanna watch!!!

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05/26/2011

IF anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6PM until I'm escorted out by security.

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03/28/2012

Looking at the time, then having to look back a second later because you can't remember what it said the first time.

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05/28/2012

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.

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09/24/2012

Girls wait for the perfect guy: Disney's fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl: Playboy's fault.

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10/16/2012

I wake up from my nap planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one" and we laugh and laugh and fall back asleep.

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12/18/2012

You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower.

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01/13/2013

Keeping a can of gray spray paint in your car is a lot cheaper than a ticket for parking in the red zone.

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05/08/2012

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

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05/29/2012

There is always that one person you want to punch for no reason every-time you see them.

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07/17/2012

I'm not going to vacuum my house again until Sears makes one I can ride on.

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07/26/2012

No matter how old I get, I will always find “that’s what she said” jokes hilarious.

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08/27/2012

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one...what's your plan?

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09/06/2012

I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.

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09/23/2012

I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.

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11/22/2012

Silence is better than bullshit.

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03/21/2013

Every now and then I stop and think "I know you can hear my thoughts". Just in case...

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05/01/2012

Getting angry at people when we listen to them breathing or eating is called Misophonia, which is an actual brain disorder.

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06/02/2012

Endangered Species: Nice people.

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06/05/2012

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