Funny Status Updates for Facebook. Hilarious Comedic Witty Status Updates about Life, Love, and everything in-between.

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Everyone has that one friend you just can't bring anywhere cause they always embarrass you. If you can't think of who that friend is, it's you.

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05/24/2013

Showers: never want to get in, then never wanting to get out.

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05/22/2013

My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me. Jerks.

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05/22/2013

I hope my last words aren't “What does this thing do?”

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05/22/2013

A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know.

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05/19/2013

Dating sites should have a section for people to leave a review for the person they went out with.

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05/19/2013

When someone tries to impress you, it means they're impressed by you.

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05/19/2013

I'm a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you're responsible for this."

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05/16/2013

I'm sorry I offended you when I called you a bitch, I honestly thought you knew.

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05/16/2013

I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "haha good one" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.

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05/13/2013

I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

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05/09/2013

There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

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05/09/2013

My level of sarcasm’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.

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05/08/2013

When standing in line, I only hate the people in front of me. Everyone behind me is cool.

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05/05/2013

I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.

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05/01/2013

My week is basically: Monday Monday #2 Monday #3 Monday #4 Friday Saturday Pre-Monday

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04/30/2013

My generation's zombies didn't run. They walked. Uphill. In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

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04/30/2013

Being dead tired throughout the entire day then wide awake when I'm trying to go to sleep.

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04/30/2013

Everyone I know is either pregnant or married and it makes me wish...I could find a decent drinking buddy to replace all you sellouts.

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04/28/2013

I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.

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04/25/2013

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