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Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don’t serve breakfast?

Food Status Updates

02/05/2013

Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don't treat every burrito with the utmost respect.

Food Status Updates

02/04/2013

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

Food Status Updates

02/02/2013

A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

Food Status Updates

01/30/2013

I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.

Food Status Updates

01/30/2013

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called Insom-nom-nom-nia.

Food Status Updates

01/29/2013

How big does a cupcake have to be before it's just a cake?

Food Status Updates

01/29/2013

Masrhmallows don't dissolve. They use hot cocoa as a way to teleport to their homeworld.

Food Status Updates

01/26/2013

Alligators between me and my Skittles = weak.

Food Status Updates

01/25/2013

I'd rather not eat than go to the store for one ingredient that I'm missing.

Food Status Updates

01/24/2013

I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.

Food Status Updates

01/23/2013

The only thing I ever win playing McDonald's Monopoly is 10 pounds.

Food Status Updates

01/21/2013

Some people need to realize that having fat on their bodies doesn't make them fat - it makes them alive.

Food Status Updates

01/20/2013

I'm hungry. Fridge: I don't give a shit. Cabinet: Bitch, don't look at me. Freezer: LOL. You like ice?

Food Status Updates

01/16/2013

There is a button on my oven that says "stop time", it's probably meant to say "stop timer", but I don't touch it... Just in case.

Food Status Updates

01/01/2013

I just confirmed it. I am not fat. I am having an allergic reaction to food and calories.

Food Status Updates

01/01/2013

If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.

Food Status Updates

12/27/2012

No one is more judgmental than a waitress questioning if you've saved room for dessert.

Food Status Updates

12/27/2012

Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in the commercials.

Food Status Updates

12/25/2012

Step aside coffee. This is a job for alcohol.

Food Status Updates

12/16/2012

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