Revenge Clarinet, 20 Funny Statuses, and the Globetrotters


20 Funny Statuses

1. With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

2. That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.

3. My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.

4. If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.

5. The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.

6. I’m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

7. You never know what you have until you clean your room.

8. The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.

9. People ask me why I don’t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?

10. Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

11. I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.

12. I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.

13. They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.

14. I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.

15. I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he’s really in trouble.

16. The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…

17. I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

18. True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.

19. I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

20. You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.


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-35 points

Laughing At Your Own Text, 20 Funny Statuses, Bot Trust

Laughing At Your Own Text

laughing at your own text before you send it

Share if you crack yourself up!

20 Funny Statuses:

  1. Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
  2. You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
  3.  I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
  4. I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
  5. I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
  6. You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
  7. Figuring out that you’ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
  8. A “Tap Out” sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
  9. I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
  10. The older I get the more I understand Squidward’s anger.
  11. I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
  12. I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
  13. I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say “Don’t get smart with me!”
  14. Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
  15. A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
  16. Nothing tests that whole “for better or worse” thing like the question “does this look infected?”
  17. There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
  18. OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
  19. I’ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones.
  20. I’m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.

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“Bot Trust”

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26 points

This Is Me Thinking About Thanksgiving, 20 Funny Statuses, Party Noisemakers In A Exhaust Pipe

This Is Me Thinking About Thanksgiving

this is me thinking about thanksgiving meme

Seriously though..

20 Funny Statuses:

  1. Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.
  2. In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
  3. I’m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
  4. No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
  5. I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
  6. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
  7. The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far.
  8. I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
  9. “Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
  10. If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
  11. Who named the walkie talkie and why isn’t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
  12. I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
  13. I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
  14. Swearing: because sometimes “golly gee” and “meany” just don’t cut it.
  15. Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? “It’s open.”
  16. I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
  17. My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
  18. I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
  19. Why do they ask you “Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who’s accent is so thick you can’t understand them?
  20. How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?

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Party Noisemakers In A Exhaust Pipe

Do not try this at home…

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25 points

Darth Vader’s Road Rage, 20 Funny Statuses, Sneeze Your Head Off

Darth Vader’s Road Rage

darth vader i find your lack of turn signal disturbing

Very disturbing.

20 Funny Statuses:

  1. My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
  2. I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
  3. I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
  4. Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
  5. Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
  6. I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
  7. You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small … vocabulary.
  8. Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, “I like where I wake up to always be a surprise.”
  9. This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
  10. I’m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
  11.  Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
  12. I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t’s totally different.
  13. Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
  14. Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
  15. No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
  16. I’m not lazy, I’m in energy saving mode.
  17. The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
  18. I’m absolutely positive I’d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.
  19. Life is too short to match socks.
  20. I hope your day is as nice as your butt.

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Sneeze Your Head Off

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32 points

Woke Up Motivated, 20 Funny Statuses, Simon Pegg Pranks Twitter

Woke Up Motivated…

woke up motivated to do my job today and it's gone south park

Like dust in the wind..

20 Funny Statuses:

  1. That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn’t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn’t brushed her teeth in forever.
  2. Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
  3. My house has really let itself go.
  4. like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn’t have the same effect.
  5. My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
  6. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
  7. The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
  8. If someone starts a sentence with “words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
  9. My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again.
  10. My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
  11. Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead.
  12. The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
  13. Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
  14. The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don’t even have to hide a body.
  15. The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it’s full of ceiling fans.
  16. It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
  17. Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
  18. “I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional
  19. I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there’s my drink.
  20. For an “adult” bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books.

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Simon Pegg Pranks Twitter

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36 points