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20 Funny Statuses: 

Post one of theses as your status and have all of your friends laughing along!

  1. I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
  2. Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
  3. Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m kidding.
  4. I once took a guy to Starbucks because I forgot his name
  5. One of us has to be the mature one and I vote for not me.
  6. Whats my favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills
  7. I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
  8. Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
  9. Push your boundaries or settle for your limitations.
  10. Some days “solitary confinement” sounds more like paradise than like punishment.
  11. “Missy Eliot came on and I started to sit back flip and reverse it” me explaining to my chiropractor how I threw my back out.
  12. The cops knocked on my door and asked me where I was between 5 and 6….I told them kindergarten
  13. How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’? Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
  14. There are a lot of things I haven’t done because I don’t think I’d look good in prison stripes.
  15. Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
  16. Sorry for getting so drunk on your birthday that people thought it was my birthday.
  17. Don’t be afraid to dream. Reality’s not going anywhere.
  18. If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
  19. Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
  20. If pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.

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24 points