Worst Joke Ever, My Brain, and 20 Wonderful Weekend Status Posts

Editorial Team

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Make your weekend last longer, share one of these…

20 Wonderful Weekend Status Posts:

American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
The gift of gab doesn’t feel like a gift when it’s been given to your spouse.
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
Dignity: Is that thing you lose when you send someone a second text before they’ve answered the first.
People will stop asking you questions if you answer back in interpretive dance.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers.
I just wanna find a nice person to hang out with until I drop dead. Is that too much to ask??
Never show up to my house without wine.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
The awkward moment when you hold the door open for someone then suddenly everybody in the building decides to go out.
Feeling crazy is a perfectly reasonable reaction to being alive.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am
Just paid for lunch with dimes and nickels, in case anyone needs a financial advisor.
How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we’ll call it “ENJOY YOUR LIVES”
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
If your name exceeds four syllables, I’m gonna just call you “hey”
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%