Touchdown Baby, Jarhead, and 20 Awesome Facebook Status Updates

Editorial Team

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Make Monday fun, share one of these… 20 Awesome Facebook Status Updates:

I used to be able to sleep for 4 hours, wake up, and function normally. No problem. Now I need 10 hours of sleep just to feel alive.
*gets absolutely nothing done*
well time for a break
You could give me 67 years to do homework and I wouldn’t do it until the night before.
I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
*burns 200 calories @ the gym*
*eats 2000 calories afterward*
Food will never break my heart.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
It’s getting harder and harder to tell Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife apart.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
The more periods she writes after “ok…” the less okay things are.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make shit happen.
Creepy: People who request middle seats on airplanes.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
It’s amazing how 3 minutes with the wrong person feels like an eternity, yet 3 hours with the right one, feels like only a moment.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Clear the unused time on the microwave, you monster!