Facebook Status Updates

Talking Boat, Hair in Drink, & 20 Likeable Statuses

Editorial Team

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20 Likeable Status Updates:

When your momma taught you to look both ways she didn’t mean be two faced.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
I have spent too much time on choosing an appropriate emoji when texting…
Does anyone else leave Best Buy without buying anything and think the security guy at the front suspects you of stealing…so you go out of your way to act friendly toward him?
My parents don’t realize I’m a pretty good kid compared to a lot of teenagers these days.
That awkward moment when you hear police sirens and get nervous even though you have absolutely no reason to.
My drug of choice is a really comfortable couch.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
The worst time to hear I told you so is when you end up saying it to yourself.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he’s trying to bust a move.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Here at Nickelodeon, we’re constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child’s head should be shaped like.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
I wasn’t gunna buy thrift shop on itunes but shit, it was 99 cents!
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Sometimes I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled my mouse wheel..