Paper Cat, Creepy Guy, and Facebook’s Best Status Updates

Editorial Team

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From this week on the FB, share one of these…

Facebook’s Best Status Updates:

Every day is just a new opportunity to eat tacos.
The woman I am most likely interested in isn’t at bars or meetup, but at home watching Netflix, and there’s no way I’ll ever meet her.
I’m happy, but not “Oprah just told me to look under my chair” happy.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
If you ever find that you’re the most talented person in the room, you need to find another room.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH.
12 hours into this marathon Netflix stopped asking me if I wanted to continue playing and just quietly asked, “You okay?”
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
Ever work out and think “wow I really needed that”? That’s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
We’re all gonna die. How are you gonna live?
I’ll screw a stranger but I won’t even use a loved one’s toothbrush.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the asses of anyone else who does it.
It’s almost Thanksgiving… Sweatpants, suit up.
For most of human history, vehicles had automatic collision avoidance and could even take you home when you were sleeping or drunk. Then we got rid of the horse.
Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We are reverting to the era of pocket watches.
I wonder what my dog named me.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
Things are getting pretty serious between us. We haven’t laughed in months.