Hockey Stick Gift, Gentle Giant, and Thought Provoking Statuses

Editorial Team

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Thought Provoking Status Updates:

I wish people were smarter… or quieter.
Don’t try to tell me that hungry is not an emotion because I feel that in my soul.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
On a scale from 1 to 10, I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.
McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
People who text back “kk” are super annoying and almost racist.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
People should look like their personalities.
There’s only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water. That’s lying about being milk.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… Like you ate a pinecone every single day.
For a guy that did not invent pizza, Papa John sure acts like a guy that invented pizza.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”