Crazy Chimp Fight, Awkward Dodge, & 20 Witty Status Updates

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Get over hump day, share one of these..

I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
If a white girl falls in the forest and no one is around to omg, does she even?
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
I can look dead in your face while you’re talking, and not hear a damn thing you said.
I need to start drinking green shit and jogging.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Except, maybe, a burger and fries.
I’d love to do something today, but I already did something yesterday.
I need to take a day…..or four.
Kill first, ask questions later. What kind of bug was it?
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
A group of mistakes is called a life.
I want time to play games, snack, and nap. Basically, I want to be in Kindergarten.
Every group of friends has a guy who they only call by their last name.
A mother’s sacrifice is not having a child. It’s 9 months with no wine.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
That awkward moment when you laugh so hard your eyes get water and people think you’re crying.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.