How to Hold a Baby, Act Natural, & 20 Hilarious Status Posts

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Make someones week, share one of these..

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up.
I have a conflict of no interest.
My life is currently buffering.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Starting to think the “walls” you have around you were built by the terrified villagers to keep you in.
Why “Trojan” condoms? Didn’t the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.
I was gonna go out today but then I sat down. Gravity’s a bitch.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Don’t waste good booze on bad memories.
Washing my entire car with a squeegee at the gas pump.
Those annoying “live chat” customer service pop-ups go away if you ask them what they’re wearing.
I don’t think this guy who just told a woman to calm down understands how women work.
Remember real friends don’t make you feel bad about yourself.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
I’d wish you the best
but I am the best
Will you date me?
A. Yes
B. A
C. B
Teenagers have time + energy, but no money.
Middle age people have money + energy, but no time.
Old people have time + money, but no energy.
At parties, I socialize with dogs before people.
You miss 100% of the naps you don’t take.