World’s Hardest Working Dog, First Kiss, & 20 Creative Status Updates

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20 Creative Status Updates:

  1. Who remembers going on the computer as kids, just to go on paint and space pinball?
  2. If you’re told you only have six months to live, immediately get married. It will make those six months seem like eternity.
  3. The past tense of wink is wunked.
  4. I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
  5. Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.
  6. the best part about this status message is that by the time you’ve finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it.
  7. That awkward moment when you don’t know how to reply to a really sweet text.
  8. The best part about daylight savings is that the clock in my car is correct again.
  9. I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
  10. I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.
  11. Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
  12. All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them.
  13. “I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
  14. My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
  15. When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
  16. Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
  17. Please hold, your call is important to us. Not “hire more operators” important.. But like “if you need to hang up, that’s cool” important.
  18. I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
  19. How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
  20. To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today..

Yesterdays Status Updates…

20 People Kiss for the First Time…

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That was pretty neat! Strangers sometimes just have a magical connection. Share if you found that fascinating.

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Doing Dishes, Happy Song, and Clever Status Posts

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20 Clever Status Posts:

  1. What a weekend…trying to get the courage to look at my credit card statement from last night :/
  2. I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.
  3. People who don’t like bacon cannot be trusted.
  4. I do marathons (on Netflix).
  5. You’ll never know the value of a moment until becomes a memory.
  6. There are plenty of fish in the sea…I just suck at fishing.
  7. What do people in China call their good dishes?
  8. You know what I hate? Those DAMNED ‘push to wash’ sinks in public restrooms!!!!! UGHhhhHh what is the purpose?!?! They only stay on for bout 2.5 seconds IF THAT, then you gotta hold it and wash one hand, and switch, and BAMMM you got more germs then you started with!
  9. Was I the only one who cheated on heads up 7 up in elementary school??
  10. I checked my FB today. Don’t worry, everyone is still just gettin pregnant and posting food pics. Business as usual.
  11. Leaving me a voicemail is like sending a letter to the house I lived in 4 years ago. I’m just never gonna get that.
  12. “I’m going to perform extensive research on this particular topic before I give an educated opinion.” -no one ever.
  13. Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
  14. I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
  15. “Wow, this relationship is really rocky. I bet a wedding and baby will solve everything!” -Idiots.
  16. Sometimes you just have to logout…..
  17. “I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
  18. When in doubt mumble.
  19. My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.
  20. I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts making explosive noises.. So I check & it’s cold, like why you gotta play me like that?!

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Dog Dances to “Happy” Song…

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I hate to admit it but, that dog has better dance moves than me. LOL! So amazing :) Share if you enjoyed.

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Toddler Maestro, Love Mail, and Top Status Updates

Make your weekend last longer, share these…

The Top Status Updates for Facebook from this week:

  1. 6.8 billion people in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich.
  2. I’m so good at being bad.
  3. 8 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas, 6,000,000,000+ people, and I’m single.
  4. All my life I thought air was free… until I bought a bag of chips.
  5. The biggest lie I tell my self is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
  6. Whenever I have a problem, I sing. Then I realize that my voice is a lot worse than my problem.
  7. Lazy rule: Can’t reach it. Don’t need it.
  8. My favorite F word:

    Food

  9. My room was clean. But then, I had to decide what to wear.
  10. Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
  11. I love sleep. You forget about pain, problems, stress, everything for a while.
  12. I like turtles because they’re so chill. They don’t hurt anyone. They’re just like, “Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce.”
  13. There are two ways of meeting difficulties. You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them.
  14. That awkward moment when you show someone something really funny & they don’t think it’s funny at all.
  15. Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
  16. Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
  17. A word to the wise. A paragraph to the smart. A long-form essay to the oblivious. A silent, meaningful gesture to the enlightened.
  18. “Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
  19. Gas is $4 a gallon and girls still think we’re coming over to just “chill.”
  20. Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Toddler Maestro is Amazing…

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When you feel the music, you really feel it :) So cute!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App. Please check back on Monday for more funny status updates!

Old Cop Dancing, Wat, and Funny One Liners

Almost Friday, Share these….

Funny One-Liners for your Status:

  1. I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.
  2. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
  3. It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
  4. A blind man walks into a bar…. and a table… and a chair.
  5. You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
  6. When you tell a lie, think of it as peeing in the pool. Let it out slow. Don’t let facial expressions give you away.
  7. Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
  8. I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
  9. I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
  10. When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
  11. I rub shampoo in my eyes every morning to prepare for the pain of the day.
  12. YES! Pandora I am still listening. Why so needy?
  13. Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
  14. Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
  15. Sometimes I think I’m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
  16. You know you are pissed off when Eminem starts to make sense.
  17. Sex is like pizza. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, it’s still petty good.
  18. Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” How do you even answer that?
  19. Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
  20. Remember the Harlem Shake? I think we can all agree that was really stupid.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Wat?

I upside down love you.

Old Cop Does the “Wobble” Dance:

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Whoa! That old man has some serious moves :)

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