Harmonica Duo, Cats Vs. Dogs, and Awesome Statuses

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Awesome Facebook Statuses:

  1. That awkward moment when you don’t understand a joke but laugh anyway, and then someone asks you to explain the joke.
  2. 70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots
  3. Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk ass.
  4. Your mom’s so easy her nickname is ‘Staples’.
  5. This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
  6. If you say A for effort I’m going to correct you and say E for effort.
  7. Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single..”
  8. “Beauty sleep” is such bologna I sleep 12 hours a day and I still look like a trashcan.
  9. McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
  10. Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
  11. I need new swear words.
  12. I like my women how I like my coffee, with little or no pubic hair.
  13. Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.
  14. Me: We could see snakes on a plane if you want.
    Friend: oh cool whats it about? Me: Elephants…..elephants on a boat.
  15. I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
  16. Don’t worry, Prince Harry. We only have one bathroom, so I too know what it’s like to be 3rd in line for the throne.
  17. It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
  18. If Candy Crush had a face, I’d punch it.
  19. Said Hi to my crush on chat. She didn’t reply. Awesome!  I left her speechless.
  20. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Dog Plays Harmonica with Toddler…

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Doesn’t get much cuter than that, folks! You may share if you liked it :)

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Crazy Car Vent, Expensive Clothing, and 20 Thoughtful Status Updates.

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20 Thoughtful Status Updates for Facebook:

  1. Every day this week is going be the same backwards:
    4/12/14
    4/13/14
    4/14/14
    4/15/14
    4/16/14
    4/17/14
    4/18/14
    4/19/14 #mindblown
  2. I wish I were a koala so I could sleep for 22 hours a day and eat for 2 hours.
  3. The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
  4. I’ve enjoyed giving presentations at work a lot more since I started communicating exclusively through interpretive dance.
  5. The stock market’s too volatile, I got my money in Jamba Juice gift cards.
  6. I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.
  7. I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
  8. People with 1 syllable names  ruin the happy birthday song.
  9. Ok jerk, just go around me. I’m already doing 20 over the limit, I’m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights.
  10. Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
  11. Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
  12. Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.
  13. People who say they are never on Facebook are usually the ones furiously refreshing.
  14. If you’re gonna rattle my cage, you best make sure I’m padlocked in it.
  15. Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
  16. It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
  17. Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
  18. Teach a man to fish and he’ll be like “Cool, thanks!” Teach a woman to fish and she’ll be like “You’re doing it wrong.”
  19. “Marry your best friend,” they say. “Don’t marry a cat,” they say. Make up your minds!
  20. The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

When you see clothes you like and you check the price tag…

Unfortunately, I know that feeling all too well.

Car Vent has an interesting feature…

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I feel like that car is now ready for take off. What would you do if that was in your car? I’d probably show all my friends.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.

Big World, Protesting Puppy, and 20 Clever Statuses

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20 Clever Status Updates for Facebook:

  1. This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
  2. If you choose to always make it all about you, that’s precisely who you’ll end up with.
  3. That awkward moment when your awkwardly standing there while your friend talks to people you don’t know.
  4. I’m sorry…I didn’t recognize you without your Instagram filter.
  5. Cell phones keep getting thinner and smarter…people, the opposite.
  6. It takes so much self control for me not to write, “you sure about that?” under Facebook engagement announcements.
  7. I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte, and now a bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga.
  8. Newton’s third law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
  9. I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
  10. What idiot decided it should be my foot’s asleep instead of coma toes?
  11. Apple’s google glass knockoff attaches a small screen on a frame above your eyes, and it will be called iBrowse.
  12. I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
  13. Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.
  14. People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
  15. If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with assholes”
  16. Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.
  17. 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette.
  18. I bet you if you pressure your child into becoming a drug addicted, alcoholic gang banger, they will disappoint you and become a doctor.
  19. Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can’t figure out how to escape with all the windows down?
  20. How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Frenchie Argues Against Bedtime…

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So Cute! Share if you’d like :P

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App. Please check back on Monday for more funny status updates!

Gym Junk Food, Proposed Facebook Buttons, & Cute Statuses

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Cute Statuses for Facebook:

  1. I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
  2. When people say “life is short”. What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that’s longer?
  3. Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
  4. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: ◻ single ◻ in a relationship ◻ married ◻ engaged ◻ divorced ☑ waiting for a miracle
  5. That awkward moment when it’s quiet and you’re eating something crunchy.
  6. So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
  7. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you’re probably a weatherman.
  8. When I was growing up I never knew what I wanted to be, now that I’m older I know that it’s younger.
  9. The first time I got married I thought I was marrying a nymphomaniac. After a few months the nympho left and I was left with the maniac.
  10. I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
  11. Time out. Otters not only sleep holding hands, but have a SPECIAL POCKET to hold their favorite rock? Humans are bullshit.
  12. Hard butter is the devil.
  13. If you watch Beauty and the Beast backwards its about how falling in love will turn you into a monster.
  14. Things are getting pretty serious between us. We haven’t laughed in months.
  15. This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
  16. “It’s complicated” relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease.
  17. All the cutest and scariest animals are in Australia. How do you Australians get anything done? So much petting and fending off.
  18. Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
  19. “I wasn’t Bourne yesterday” -Matt Damon, 1st day of shooting The Bourne Identity
  20. That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Eating Junk Food at the Gym…

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Could you imagine??? What would you do? Sooooo funny, share if you enjoyed :)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.