Ultimate Selfie, Generous Puppy, and 20 Phenomenal Status Updates

Relax, it’s almost the weekend, share these…

20 Phenomenal Status Updates:

  1. Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
  2. I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.
  3. There are five types of fear.
    1. terror
    2. panic
    3. 14 missed calls from mom
    4. username or password is incorrect
    5. we need to talk
  4. My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
  5. My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming ‘Help me, Superman. Help me!’ and then I run away, unexplained.
  6. If you have to ask someone “Didn’t you get my text?” that person hates you.
  7. I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
  8. I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me. This is bullshit.
  9. Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me every time it happens.
  10. Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.
  11. Hate it when you open the fridge and can’t find what you were looking for; like happiness and perfect abs.
  12. Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations much more interesting.
  13. If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
  14. You can do better than you ever thought possible when you stop looking at others progress and be your own competition.
  15. If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.
  16. What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?!
  17. I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore…. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.
  18. Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
  19. Pretty sure crosswalk buttons don’t actually work and are only there to make us feel like we have control over our lives.
  20. It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Idiot Gets Kicked in the Head While Taking a “Train” Selfie…

YouTube Preview Image

Let this be a lesson to us all. We could use about 98% less selfies (unless you’re an adorable or hot girl).

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.

Help-a-Pup, Password FAIL, and Responsive Statuses

Make Hump Day count, share these…

20 Status Updates that get a good response:

  1. That awkward moment when you fail at being mad at somebody because they make you laugh.
  2. People are generally unhappy until they get what they want, then the cycle starts all over again.
  3. You must expect great things of yourself before you can do them.
  4. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a normal sleeping pattern.
  5. Even staring at a wall becomes interesting while studying.
  6. I hate it when I meow at cats and they don’t meow back. Unbelievably rude.
  7. Any woman can drive you crazy when you’re with her. Find the woman who drives you crazy being without her.
  8. My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
  9. Are we posting pictures of missing vegans on soy milk cartons yet?
  10. I’m convinced girls only want one thing from guys… All of our hoodies.
  11. Dentist: Do you remember the last time you flossed? Me: It should say on your sheet right over there.
  12. Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
  13. Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
  14. At the end of my dinner the waiter asks “wanna box” so I got up and knocked him the f out. I bet he won’t ask that question again.
  15. Depresso: When you’ve run out of coffee.
  16. Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
  17. You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
  18. You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.
  19. These spaghetti-o’s taste like I don’t get paid until tomorrow.
  20. Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Share for Dogs (Every time you watch this, they give money to charity)

YouTube Preview Image

Make sure to share with your friends!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.

Harmonica Duo, Cats Vs. Dogs, and Awesome Statuses

Score more likes, share these…

Awesome Facebook Statuses:

  1. That awkward moment when you don’t understand a joke but laugh anyway, and then someone asks you to explain the joke.
  2. 70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots
  3. Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk ass.
  4. Your mom’s so easy her nickname is ‘Staples’.
  5. This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
  6. If you say A for effort I’m going to correct you and say E for effort.
  7. Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single..”
  8. “Beauty sleep” is such bologna I sleep 12 hours a day and I still look like a trashcan.
  9. McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
  10. Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
  11. I need new swear words.
  12. I like my women how I like my coffee, with little or no pubic hair.
  13. Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.
  14. Me: We could see snakes on a plane if you want.
    Friend: oh cool whats it about? Me: Elephants…..elephants on a boat.
  15. I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
  16. Don’t worry, Prince Harry. We only have one bathroom, so I too know what it’s like to be 3rd in line for the throne.
  17. It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
  18. If Candy Crush had a face, I’d punch it.
  19. Said Hi to my crush on chat. She didn’t reply. Awesome!  I left her speechless.
  20. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Dog Plays Harmonica with Toddler…

YouTube Preview Image

Doesn’t get much cuter than that, folks! You may share if you liked it :)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.

Crazy Car Vent, Expensive Clothing, and 20 Thoughtful Status Updates.

Score more likes this Monday, share these…

20 Thoughtful Status Updates for Facebook:

  1. Every day this week is going be the same backwards:
    4/12/14
    4/13/14
    4/14/14
    4/15/14
    4/16/14
    4/17/14
    4/18/14
    4/19/14 #mindblown
  2. I wish I were a koala so I could sleep for 22 hours a day and eat for 2 hours.
  3. The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
  4. I’ve enjoyed giving presentations at work a lot more since I started communicating exclusively through interpretive dance.
  5. The stock market’s too volatile, I got my money in Jamba Juice gift cards.
  6. I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.
  7. I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
  8. People with 1 syllable names  ruin the happy birthday song.
  9. Ok jerk, just go around me. I’m already doing 20 over the limit, I’m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights.
  10. Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
  11. Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
  12. Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.
  13. People who say they are never on Facebook are usually the ones furiously refreshing.
  14. If you’re gonna rattle my cage, you best make sure I’m padlocked in it.
  15. Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
  16. It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
  17. Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
  18. Teach a man to fish and he’ll be like “Cool, thanks!” Teach a woman to fish and she’ll be like “You’re doing it wrong.”
  19. “Marry your best friend,” they say. “Don’t marry a cat,” they say. Make up your minds!
  20. The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

When you see clothes you like and you check the price tag…

Unfortunately, I know that feeling all too well.

Car Vent has an interesting feature…

YouTube Preview Image

I feel like that car is now ready for take off. What would you do if that was in your car? I’d probably show all my friends.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.