Dancing Oldman, Happy Ass, and 20 Entertaining Facebook Statuses

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20 Entertaining Facebook Statuses:

  1. Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
  2. Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
  3. If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
  4. 1969: America winning space race with the Russians 2014: America keeping up with the Kardashians.
  5. Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
  6. I scrolled too far back on my timeline and I ended up on myspace.
  7. I hate going to sleep. but when I do… I never want to wake up.
  8. Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink!
  9. “Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
  10. When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see him too?”
  11. The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to legally punch other teenagers.
  12. Fear less, trust more; take less, give more; whine less, thank more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more.
  13. When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.
  14. Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
  15. Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
  16. The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
  17. Like this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
  18. Sometimes I like to click the “hide this ad” feature on Facebook ads and then click “uninteresting” just to fuck with their data.
  19. Know how when you stare at a word too long or say it too many times it starts to not make sense? Waffles
  20. 5 star hangover: You have a second heartbeat in your head. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up From the overwhelming glare of any light. Rancid booze vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a shit either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. You look so pathetic. You called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Happy Ass…

No doubt, that is one happy ass.

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Metal Construction, Puppy Push, and Brilliant Status Updates

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20 Brilliant Facebook Status Updates:

  1. First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
  2. If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating.
  3. Hey guys if you’re looking to test out a nasty computer virus or some horrible spyware, my mom would gladly open/download/test it for you.
  4. My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.
  5. I have my fourth interview with the same company tomorrow. Not sure if I’m a prime candidate for the job or if I’m dating the CEO.
  6. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
  7. My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
  8. My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
  9. Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
  10. Dudes. The most cringeworthy creeper line is: Don’t I get a hug? Stop saying that. We hate it. Good Talk.
  11. I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
  12. 7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
  13. I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
  14. “I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.
  15. I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy” I then wait at green lights ’til I feel better about myself.
  16. I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
  17. Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down..
  18. Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them…
    I do.
  19. Zombies want brains…. you’re safe.
  20. We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Hardcore Death Metal Construction…

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Those guys take their job seriously :) Lol!

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Forehead Beer Pour, Tan Lines, and Entertaining Status Updates for the Weekend.

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Entertaining Status Updates for the Weekend:

  1. The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
  2. Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great.
  3. Me and my best friend don’t talk every day… That’s still my best friend though.
  4. Everyone is getting into relationships and growing up and I’m just getting lazier and finding more tv series to watch.
  5. My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a tv show in one week.
  6. Girls all go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle.
  7. There’s no stronger sunscreen than sitting at the bar.
  8. It’s not you. It’s your bourgeois ideology of the self.
  9. I’m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
  10. When people say “let’s agree to disagree,” they mean “I’m over talking to you and I still think I’m right and you’re wrong, asshole.”
  11. I got you something better than a present. I wrote “happy birthday dude” on your Facebook when a robot reminded me it was your birthday.
  12. Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don’t make a right! Tomorrow I’m going to try three.
  13. Regardless of how I die, I’m going to have “Died from not forwarding email to 10 different people” engraved on my tombstone just to mess with peoples’ heads
  14. I have your nose. If you ever want to see it again, follow my instructions exactly. No cops.
  15. My train of thought is loco, no motive.
  16. Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
  17. The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
  18. Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
  19. Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
  20. I have come to the conclusion that the dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Guy Pours a Beer Using His Forehead…

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This guy would win America’s Got Talent hands down.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App. Please check back on Monday for more funny status updates!