Thirsty Bird, Caring Father, and Absurd Facebook Statuses

One of these will make you laugh, guaranteed…

20 Absurd Facebook Statuses:

  1. I Put Red Bull in my coffee pot this morning instead of water. Right now, I can see noises.
  2. Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
  3. When I was little I didn’t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious that my parents didn’t care either.
  4. Ever have a plan for the day, then 4pm rolls around and you’ve achieved literally nothing?
  5. I waved goodbye to normal a long time ago.
  6. A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
  7. Sometimes those who don’t socialize much aren’t actually anti-social, they just have no tolerance for drama and fake people.
  8. I’m in shape…
    Unfortunately that shape is a potato.
  9. “You know what I think they should do in Gaza?” tweeted the man half a world away from the safety and comfort of his reclining chair.
  10. Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
  11. To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
  12. My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
  13. If you’re looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.
  14. Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
  15. Apple is the Empire. Android is the Republic. Blackberry is Jar Jar Binks.
  16. Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
  17. The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
  18. It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
  19. Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
  20. Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I’d pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I’m still alive.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Thirsty Bird Asks Humans for Help…

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Took long enough for those silly humans to catch on. Smart bird :P

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Extra Weight, Dog Joy, and Awe-Inspiring Funny Statuses

Make Monday Count, Share These…

20 Awe-Inspiring Funny Facebook Statuses:

  1. Don’t judge me just because I sin differently than you.
  2. Some people need a high five… in the face … with a chair.
  3. Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.
  4. Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
  5. When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
  6. I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
  7. I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
  8. Cop: You been drinking? Me: No. Cop: Say the alphabet backwards. Me: Alphabet the. Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter. Me: Each letter.
  9. It’s DUCT tape, not DUCK tape. Now fuct off.
  10. My internet goes out more than I do.
  11. You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
  12. I always turn my fan on high so I can still sleep with a blanket.
  13. One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you. Disadvantage: Sex does. Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
  14. I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
  15. When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
  16. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it before.
  17. Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy. Me: I know, right? Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence. Me: High-5. Me: Word.
  18. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon….
  19. When I was little I didn’t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious that my parents didn’t care either.
  20. See, I was born and raised in western Philadelphia. As a kid, I spent a lot of time on the playground, mostly playing basketball near the school I attended. It was great for the most part, until the day a group of troublemakers embarked on a campaign of ill-will the likes of which my neighborhood had never seen. I did my best to stand up for the rest of the community, getting in just a single fight, but my mother disapproved of my actions and decided to get me away from the Philadelphia lifestyle; she was sending me to the other side of the country to live with my aunt and uncle. My last act in Philly was to whistle for a taxi. Normally I would just toss my hand in the air and flag one down, but seeing as I had never used a whistle to hail a cab, and that this was most likely my last chance, whistle I did. As luck would have it, the driver didn’t mind taking me all the way to California. Combined with the vanity plate that read “fresh” and the rear view mirror dice, I would say it was a pretty rare cab. For the slightest of seconds I considered passing up on this particular ride, but I shook off my feelings and told the driver to take me to the Bel Air community in Los Angeles. We finally reached my new home sometime in the evening, around seven or eight if I had to put a number on it. I told the cab driver I would smell him later and balked at the $6,279 I owed him for the ride. He didn’t seem to mind and drove away without a word. That was odd, but instead of thinking about that, I turned to see my kingdom. Finally, I had reached my destiny: to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel Air.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Dog Almost Passes Out From Not Seeing His Owner for 2 Years…

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Wow! Dogs really are the best, no doubt about it.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.

Cat Loves Owner, Practical Advice Kermie, and Dazzling Facebook Statuses

Make your weekend last longer, pick one and share these…

20 Dazzling Facebook Statuses:

  1. Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?
  2. You don’t need to be dating someone to be happy. Just be yourself.
  3. When I sleep less than 8 hours I’m exhausted and want to die, but when I sleep more than 8 hours I’m exhausted and want to die.
  4. Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”
  5. If you’re about to post song lyrics on social media, ask yourself is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my thing down flip it ‘n reverse it.
  6. That awkward moment when you see your EX with that person they told you not to worry about during your relationship…
  7. It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.
  8. The struggle when you just ate but you’re still hungry.
  9. I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
  10. When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
  11. Girls have two moods:
    “love me”
    and
    “whoa, don’t love me that much, bye”
  12. Don’t you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick?
  13. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand to speak in public.
  14. You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor.
  15. The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
  16. Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my Dasani water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
  17. I’m offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off.
  18. I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
  19. The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.
  20. They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Cat REALLY Loves His Owner….

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That’s one really affectionate kitty! So cute :)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App. Please check back on Monday for more funny status updates!

Facebook in a Nutshell, Angry Baby Possum, and Bright Status Updates

Enjoy your Thursday pick one and share it….

Bright Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Political views are like children. Some people don’t have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.
  2. Life Pro Tip: Putting your phone in airplane mode will stop ads while you play.
  3. I’m glad they finally made waterproof phones. Pushing friends into the pool is funny.
  4. If the T-Rex had arms that were long enough to hug, they probably wouldn’t have been so mean.
  5. I wish the “Do not ask me again” option existed in real life.
  6. Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
  7. “Hold me.” -Grudges
  8. I feel confident that Laim Neeson would be there for me if I listed him as my emergency contact.
  9. Don’t forget: it’s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
  10. Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
  11. It’s sad when a girl breaks up and changes back to her “I need attention” Facebook picture.
  12. Fate is when you find something you were never looking for and realize it’s everything you never knew you wanted.
  13. Considering renting out my services to people who need awkward situations made awkwarder.
  14. It’s amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
  15. Humor is of two types – below the belt and above the forehead.
  16. Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received. Beep.
  17. I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
  18. Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
  19. I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, “At least they picked me”
  20. All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Facebook in a Nutshell…

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Welp, that’s about right.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.