Walking with Dinosaurs, Party People, and New Status Updates

Score more likes, share one of these…

20 New Facebook Status Update Ideas:

  1. Where words fail, music speaks…
  2. If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn’t be called nachos.
  3. Saw a girl at Starbucks who ordered a coffee but didn’t Instagram it.
    The alien invasion has started I guess.
  4. I’m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
  5. “Does it come in pumpkin flavor?” -Every white girl, right now.
  6. When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
  7. If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
  8. Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
  9. Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
  10. Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
  11. Before you marry someone, first make them use a computer with slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
  12. And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
  13. Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
  14. The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
  15. I’d eat healthy, but we all know what happened when Adam ate the apple, so better not risk it.
  16. Ziploc’s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
  17. Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
  18. I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
  19. person is typing….
    person is typing….
    person is typing….
    person is typing….
    person is typing….
    person is typing…. “hi”
  20. I’ve never understood why women love cats…
    Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.
    In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

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Kid on Ellen vs. Dinosaurs:

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This kid is adorable! He’s got a smart remark for everything :)

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Praying, Epic Shower Scare, and Clever Status Posts

Make Monday fun, share one of these…

Clever Facebook Status Posts:

  1. I didn’t recognize you without a filter.
  2. You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them
  3. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
  4. I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
  5. I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
  6. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight…you’re drunk.
  7. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
  8. FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
  9. All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.
  10. I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
  11. When four people arrive at a four-way stop at the same time, it is required that they exit their vehicles and fight to the death.
  12. I can’t enjoy my meal at a restaurant unless the waiter tells me “enjoy”.
  13. When I was younger all I wanted was a cool car bed. Now I live in my car. Dreams really can come true.
  14. Tip: If you block them, and don’t look at their shit, you can move on from it.
  15. There you are, feeling pretty good about yourself. Then you hear a recording of yourself talk.
  16. “Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
  17. Dear guys, every text you get from a girl was actually composed by a minimum of three girls.
  18. Remember these two words. They will open up the doors in your life. Push & Pull.
  19. That odd feeling you get when you wake up and only have one sock on….
  20. There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.

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Everyone loves a good shower scare…

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That scream was priceless. Share if you enjoyed :)

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Lost Phone, Anti Kissing Dog, and 20 Top Status Updates

Make the weekend last longer, share these…

Top 20 Facebook Status Updates This Week:

  1. Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
  2. People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
  3. The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it’s having the phone number of somebody who does!
  4. Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
  5. I need pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING.
  6. Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
  7. To reduce stress, I do yoga. Just kidding, I drink wine in my yoga pants.
  8. I’m not chubby, I’m just really easy to spot in a crowd.
  9. Don’t bother sucking up. I already don’t like you and that’s not gonna change.
  10. Never laugh at your significant others choices. You’re one of them.
  11. Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
  12. Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
  13. The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I’m home alone and my power goes out.
  14. Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
  15. My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
  16. I don’t want you anymore. Until you want someone else. Then you’re mine. Until you want me again. Then I’m distant. But don’t go anywhere.
  17. If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago
  18. When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
  19. Marijuana: The super glue that holds your life together after all your dreams have been shattered by the responsibilities of adulthood.
  20. No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

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This Dog does NOT want a kiss…

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Quit smothering me, DAD!

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Complicated Relationship, Shy Dog Wants Watermelon, and 21 Hilarious Status Updates

Happy Friday, share something good…

21 Hilarious Facebook Status Updates:

  1. There is a time and a place for decaf coffee…. Never and in the trash.
  2. Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
  3. I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
  4. Girl messes up guy’s hair = cute. Guy messes up girl’s hair = death.
  5. That awkward moment when you have to get over someone you never even dated.
  6. People don’t even say grace before meals anymore . They just hold their phone over the plate, take a picture, & then upload it to Instagram.
  7. Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle…
  8. There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
  9. Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
  10. Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
  11. When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
  12. I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions…
  13. You suddenly realize that you’re all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.
  14. How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
  15. I’m so disappointed that a group of squid isn’t called a squad!
  16. That awkward moment when you make a Star Wars reference in a conversation and the other person doesn’t get it.
  17. How long after walking into someone’s house is it acceptable to ask for their wifi password?
  18. I count it as a random act of kindness when you see me in public and pretend you didn’t.
  19. When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
  20. Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
  21. They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhh” when you plug it in….

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Shy Dog Wants Watermelon…

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Just give him the Watermelon!!!!

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